I was reading a post from Paige the other day that totally resembled my life right now, in relation to my friendships. Before having Sophia, I never really understood what people meant when they said your friendships change after having a child. I wasn't one of those people who would be calling on my friends with kids to come hang out - but if I would have, I'm pretty sure I would have felt the SAHM wrath of lack of understanding. Since having Sophie, it's amazing how many people just don't get that I can't do the same things I used to do.
Its not even just the people that don't have kids. Sure, I have those childless friends who still text me every weekend asking me what I'm up to. Of course when I reply, 'at home with the baby and hubby' they don't seem to understand that I'm a stay at home mom. Which literally means I stay at home. Get it? Instead, they tend to reply - "oh you're always doing that". Like seriously?! Wtf. Do you expect me to be at a bar with a baby strapped to me, or at a sports game with some drunk guy spilling beer on my baby, or a concert with my daughter breathing in the smell of chronic. I'm seriously tempted to start replying that kind of logic to see if they take me seriously. The same not so lovely ladies also tend to ask what's going on in the city. Sure I used to attend media/social events on the regular, but I haven't gone out in over 3 months, so I'm probably not the best person to ask. Like why don't you use twitter, or check out some Vancouver Event listings - rather than ask your now boring friend where all the excitement is. Cause I'm boring now that I have a child right. And don't even get me started when they text me asking what bars they can pick up guys at, 'and not the bars I used to go to cause they aren't girly enough'.
Then I have those friends that always want to have lunch. They figure since I'm a SAHM, I must always be available for lunch. What they don't understand, is having lunch takes a lot of work. Like what if I didn't get any sleep last night because Sophie was doing the running man in her crib and wanted to play - and when she's finally out cold, my husband is snoring so loud I cant pass out. Its not like I can wear earplugs, so instead I may choose to nap ALL DAY the next day, and the idea of me sleeping during my amigos 'lunch time' is beyond unrealistic in their world. And then, what if I did get a good night sleep. I still have laundry, dinner prep, cleaning, my workout, shower and everything else this mom/wife tries to do when Sophie is napping or not needing attention. Literally, it takes so much time to get her ready if we choose to go out. I have to feed her (a lot), pack her bag, get her fully dressed, and then get myself ready. If you want to have lunch, come to my house and I'll cook up some amazing pinterest inspired meal, because apparently this boring lady spends way to much time on pinterest and not enough time going out to see their not so understanding friends.
I also have those lovely friends who say - "cant you get someone to watch her." Seriously I want to laugh at this one. The kind of laugh that makes you cry and smack your friend, because its so unheard of for Nicholas & I. Usually its my friends with children, that are blessed enough to actually have family here to look after theirs that want us to have on call family sitters like they do. It's like I constantly have to remind people that Nicholas and I have no family members to watch our kids. Sometimes I even get the ocassional reply "why don't you make friends with people in your condo to watch her." Like seriously, Ive seen way to many videos of what happens when you leave your child with someone you think is normal and then goes postal on the poor helpless child. So no, we have no sitter today, tomorrow or practically ever. And if by chance we ever have a sitter down the road, Im pretty sure Nicholas & I will be too busy than to use the opportunity to see my not so understanding friends.
And then lets say my friends actually want to come over. Yay! I don't think they realize how exciting it is to socialize with someone other than my husband face to face. Shyt, Ill pull out the wine and serve up something fancy that I pinned on pinterest, and I'll gladly show off my well behaved daughter while we gossip over what people that don't stay at home all day do. But you will probably cancel last minute on me, after I got my daughter ready, showered, went and got groceries and all that - just because I either live to far from where you are, or something else came up. And then when they cancel on me, its totally cool right? Sure - more wine for me and Ill work out extra hard because I'm still going to eat that fancy dish - and I'll probably eat your share too If my husband doesn't get to it first. But what I love most is after they cancel, and I get that text that says "awww Im sorry, you will just have to come visit me when you are in the area next". Sometimes I feel like responding - well no, that's not going to happen, because Im a stay at home mom and Im not causally going to be in your area like ever. No my life isn't over, in fact its even got better - and Im sorry but not sorry that you just don't understand. #thestruggleisreal #momlife #SAHM
I was totally guilty of this before I had my daughter. I never understood why my mom friends were so hard to make plans with. And then I had Mila. Everything changed and I get it now. I think this even applies to working mothers like me. I don't get to spend nearly enough time with my little girl, so when nights and weekends roll around, I just want to stay home.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I will advise though is to get out with your friends when you can. Maybe once a month, maybe once every other month - whatever works for you. I am so thankful that I had understanding friends during that difficult first year, but I am also thankful that they talked me into an occasional night out (and that my husband encouraged it). Those nights (though very few and far between) helped keep me sane! :)
WOW! Yes, this happened to me OVER 20 years ago, same EXACT relationships! Sooo, I dumped those that didn't understand and made me some new friends that did. Took awhile, but soon, mommy/baby dates worked out for everyone. . . be true to yourself and that beautiful, gorgeous baby . . . children need you now, you staying at home the best thing you can do, if you can do it. Love this!
ReplyDeleteI feel you on the "just get someone to watch the baby and come out with us" thing. What a crock of BS! Like you, we're transplants and have no in-state family to help. So what, friends thing that I'll go on some website like care.com for a sitter, or better yet just ask the 12 year old neighbor to watch and INFANT?! Yeah. Not happening.
ReplyDeleteThis, my dear, is why parents always hang out with other parents. Because most parents get it. And you don't need to explain to me if you cancel on me last minute - it could be a rough day (for either of you...) you might need to sleep, you might need to workout, you might just want to sit and stare into space while she naps instead of meeting up with me. And it's all good. I get it. I've done it too. In fact, a SAHM would ask if you'd like her to bring you lunch/coffee/wine/all of that instead of meeting her, because DAMN she's had that kind of a day at one point too.
Well I can't say I know how that feels, but I can say I know a similar feeling to that. When I got engaged to my wife, some of my friends always asked me to hang out with them. They couldn't understand that I was with her because I wanted to or because she might be sick. It's gotten better now, but I can't wait to see how they get when the little comes around.
ReplyDeleteI have so much respect for you girl! I say, tell 'em how it is if they continue. Watching my sister who just had a baby has shown me a whole other side of her...a BETTER side. So kudos to you for really embracing motherhood!
ReplyDelete